... is a love worth nurturing.
About a month or so ago, I came across a post on Instagram, which read, “God… Help me to know that I deserve the gift of a love void of wonder,” posted by AJ Johnson (@theajzone). It felt like God was speaking to me through her at that exact moment—as if that post was created just for me.
About a week prior to coming across her post, I had dinner with an old friend of sorts—don’t worry I’ll explain, but the dinner was great. We shared, we laughed, and for the most part, we simply enjoyed the moment—we enjoyed one another’s company. After three hours of talking, laughing, reminiscing, and getting to the bottom of so many unanswered questions between us from the past, suddenly there was a shift in the atmosphere. His body language changed and his talk suddenly became passive—distant even. As we began to part ways that night, the certainty in his words, his tone had been replaced with “maybe, possibly, if, yeah,” verses “absolutely, of course, and yes.”
Maybe it wouldn’t have meant much if he didn’t speak in absolute terms all night. However, I am pretty good at reading him. I can tell when he’s comfortable or uncomfortable, when he’s giving complete facts, or when he’s holding something back. Now, if you didn’t pick up on it by now, let me tell you, we use to do that thing that kids do, “talk.” So, I’m sure you can imagine that after years of a severed friendship after our “talking” fiasco, this [new] energy between us was refreshing. But, as we gathered our things and prepared to step out into the winter cold, his words were laced in indecisiveness, and his attitude and demeanor reflected this change.
Now, in the past, this had always been one of the problems between us, even in pursuing friendship. For instance, he would say one thing using words like “absolutely, for sure” attached to it, whereas the tone in his voice expressed some doubt. It was shallow—one might even say lacking in emotion (good or bad). As a result, I would be left to decipher his true meaning, his real feelings. But, at this point, I didn’t feel like decoding anything—we're both just too old for the silliness. So, I decided that I would take what he said at face value. He was given an opportunity to communicate what he wanted, and he said what he said, so I was going to accept it as truth. However, in the back of my mind, there was still a sense of doubt or wonder present. I wondered what he felt, what he wanted, and what he didn’t want. To be clear, I'm talking in friendship—somehow he managed to make friendship with him difficult.
Now, there is no real reason to explain how things turned out thereafter. I’m sure it’s clear. But for those who wants a little more clarity (a little more tea)—my doubt, my questions, that unsettling feeling I had, the wonder in the back of my mind was all for good reason. He showed me that his words had double meaning. Later, in conversation, he began to backtrack. His words began to carry less and less weight with me. As he began to renege on what he had said before, his words became less and less—you know, he had to cover his tracks. We all know that the more words used, the bigger the lie must be. So, in this case, he simply decided to lie by omission; it was easier on him.
So, to say that the post, which inspired this level of transparency with you guys, was right on time, would be true. I went along, handling my business as usual—busy with work, family, and friendship obligations, but in the back of my mind that wonder remained. That post reminded me that a love void of wonder is a godly love. A friendship void of wonder is a friendship worth holding on to. A relationship void of wonder is one worthwhile.
You see, a love void of wonder is worth nurturing. Anything less is painful, exhausting, and peace stealing. To engage in or encourage anything or any relationship that leaves you wondering if there is trust, honesty, loyalty, love, safety, and so on, is time wasted. We all deserve to experience friendships, relationships, and love, without second guessing the intent of that other person. We all deserve to be free of wondering. To experience a relationship, whether with friends or family that is full of doubt and wonder, is simply another form of bondage—bondage that God has already freed us from, if we trust and allow Him. Thus, I decided right then, it didn’t matter why he left me wondering or why the wonder lingered in the back of my mind; all that mattered is that with him, no matter the reason or the cause, a small piece of my peace was being stolen. I didn’t deserve to lose any of my peace and he wasn’t deserving of my peace of mind. So, I stopped wondering and kept it moving.
I say all of that to say this, if someone is comfortable leaving you in the dark; if their actions and words are opposing; if they leave you feeling insecure, doubtful, small, unsettled, uncomfortable, or optional, then they are not qualified to occupy any position in your life—so, leave them on the outside of it. Life is hard enough as it is. If they do not nurture the good in you, do not lose time wondering about them. I’ll say it again, no one is worth your peace of mind. Read it, meditate on it, believe it, share it, “a love void of wonder is love worth nurturing.”
Until next time,
Peace & Love